Dads and separation - my ex-partner's new partner

It can be hard enough just seeing your ex with a new partner, before even thinking about what this means for your kids. It’s natural to feel suspicious about the “new guy” but you also have to somehow be reasonable as you may have a new partner too (at some point). Trust works both ways.

Your ex partner will decide if her new man is suitable as far as your child’s safety is concerned, but you can find out more about this man too. Spend some time with him if possible, and you never know - the guy might actually turn out to be okay!

Keeping communications open with your ex about her new man is always likely to help the situation. Over time you may eventually trust your ex’s new partner with your kids and, as a result, the whole family is better off - especially your kids.

Dads and Separation - my ex partner wants to take my children out of the country

Your ex partner is allowed to take your kids out of the country for up to a month without asking your permission (and so are you). If you are worried that she’s thinking of something more permanent, and perhaps breaching a parenting order, then there are things you can do about it.

You can ask the High Court, Family Court or District Court for an Order Preventing Removal, even if you have only just applied for a parenting order. Courts can ask Police or social workers to place children with a suitable person until the Court can deal with the case. Apply to the Court quickly, as when children leave New Zealand they become subject to either the foreign country’s laws, or international laws, or both.

Dads and separation - police safety orders

If things get out of hand and the police get involved, it is likely that a Police Safety Order (PSO) will be issued. This happens in circumstances where the Police have reasonable grounds to believe that family violence has occurred or may occur. An order usually lasts for 2 days, but in some cases can last up to 5 days.

IMPORTANT: If you find yourself in this situation you need to CALM DOWN and leave the situation. Having a PSO issued is a very serious situation and you need to be careful not to make things worse for yourself – so keep calm, walk away, and deal with whatever happened in a rational way.

Dads and separation - dealing with family court orders and how protection orders affect access to children

Protection Orders are made by a Judge to protect the adult and children who live with someone who has been or may be violent. In urgent situations The Family Court can make a Protection Order on the same day. If not, the Court will hear details of what happened and issue a final Protection Order.

Understand the legal lingo
The person applying for an order and needing protection is called an ‘Applicant’. The person the Applicant is requesting the order against is called the ‘Respondent’. If an order is granted its purpose is to protect the “Applicant” and any of the children living with them.

What happens when a Protection Order is in place?

Dads and separation - child support payments, IRD pathways, mutual agreements and Work and Income

NB: Lots of parents reach agreement on Child Support Payments without IRD getting involved – but if you do want or need some help, here’s some background information.

As a dad you will want to know as much as you can about your kids early education and how you support them financially. Child support payments and other benefits can be a bit of a minefield; so knowing some basic information could help you on your way.

Dads and separation - dealing with allegations from Child, Youth and Family

Being subject to an investigation can be an upsetting and stressful time for the family. If there is an allegation made and Child Youth and Family (CYF) have become involved, this could be serious. But you have the right to clear and accurate information about the concerns CYF have – so it is important to understand your rights and responsibilities.

Get the facts on CYF and dealing with allegations
Child, Youth and Family (CYF) is a government agency that has been charged with helping protect children and young people, and to support families and whanau by helping them provide a safe home for their children.

Dads and separation - concerns about sexual and emotional abuse

Most children will not tell you if they are being abused, so it’s up to adults to recognise the signs that this might be happening. By knowing some of the symptoms and talking to your kids about how they can look after themselves, you can help to keep them safe.

Unfortunately visible signs of abuse are rare, so a parent must be able to notice changes in their kids’ behaviour. There could be one or many changes in the way they act, and children suffering abuse all cope differently.

General symptoms of abuse can be varied. Children can be withdrawn, isolate themselves from family and friends, be anxious, depressed, or show self-destructive behavior. They may not sleep properly, develop eating disorders, change their hygiene routine, be hostile towards family, be sexually active, or develop alcohol or drug problems.

Dads and Separation - what behaviour can I expect from my kids following separation?

Separation can be distressing for children and, like you, they need time to adapt. Children’s insecurities and how they show stress may vary by age, personality and circumstances. For example, babies and young children can be clingy, sleepless, wet the bed or be disobedient. Older kids may play up, go quiet or struggle in school. Some children may have long-term difficulties with their behavior and emotions.

If your children appear calm on the outside don’t be fooled into thinking they are okay - they could still feel very angry or upset on the inside. Ignoring the need for your children to deal with the situation can make things worse so you need to work hard to help your kids get through separation as well.

Dads and separation - holiday activities with kids

School holidays are a great time to do stuff with your kids that otherwise you don't have time for (or that is difficult to organsie). Also, it's a time of the year when there are lots of special events on in most places. Most museums, parks or other public places (such as the library) will have a school holiday programme with activities, events and festivities for children of all ages.

But you don't even need to organise anything special for your kids to have a good time. If you have preschool children in a daycare centre you can pick them up early or even just turn up and play with your kids there. With older children you have even more options to do sports, music, outdoors acitivities, game playing, reading, etc as their physical and mental abilities develop.

Separation and dads - how are we going to manage Christmas, birthdays and other special occassions?

How are we going to manage Christmas
The Silly Season is a time when we typically enjoy ourselves and not for children to feel torn between two families. If this is the first Christmas since separation remember to think of the needs of your children when making decisions about arrangements over the festive season.

Planning ahead is a good way to prevent any unnecessary conflicts or disagreements. The children will want to know when they will be able to spend time with you, their mum and the rest of the family.

It’s really important to ask your kids what they want to see happen. If at all possible see if you can make this work with your ex partner. The kids will be happy to see that their voices were heard and that you managed to sort it out the way they wanted.