As an expectant father you are expected to 'do something'

By Wintergreen

Since the 1970s, fathers have been permitted to be with their wife or partner during labour and delivery (in most western countries anyway). Actually women wanted their husbands to ‘be there’ to help. Prior to the 1970s most women were left alone to labour and really wanted someone to help them cope with labour pain. It took a while longer for
fathers to be permitted into a cesarean delivery.

Most expectant fathers now-a-days have no idea how many and which positive changes have been put into place for expectant mums since the 1970s. So, expectant dads started ‘being there’ at the same time expectant mums had more choices. But what exactly is your role? What are you expected to do?

It’s obvious that your pregnant partner is ‘doing’ the labour or having the cesarean. It’s obvious that either a midwife or an obstetrician is ‘in charge’ and that leaves you ... doing what ... ‘being there’? But hold on. We’ve got you already at the birth but we actually need to back up and throw this question at you. When does a man become a father? If you totally understand when men become fathers then you are more likely to know what to do and what ‘being there’ during the birth of your baby actually means.

Let’s ask the question from this viewpoint. When does a woman become a mother? Many people would say ... ‘when she falls pregnant’. Many women would tell you that she does start to become a mother once she falls pregnant but that doesn’t mean she knows how-to be a mother or knows how-to give birth. Gosh, we have to back up even further. Everyone KNOWS that only women give birth. Doesn’t that mean that women automatically know how-to give birth? Actually no. Giving birth is certainly a natural physiological process and 100% of pregnant women will give birth one way or another but don’t confuse that fact with a belief that women automatically know how-to birth or parent. These are both learned skills even though you might believe or are told differently.

Compare the natural physiological process of being hungry. Does that mean you automatically know what foods are poisonous or safe to eat? Nope. Nor does your hunger actually lead you to know how-to cook. These are both learned skills. So don’t assume your pregnant wife/partner knows how-to give birth. If women automatically knew how, women won’t have wanted their husband/partners with them. Women wanted help. They wanted your help. Do men automatically know how-to help a woman give birth? ‘Being there’ is definitely NOT a type of skill.

So this takes us back to the question. When does a man become a father? As soon as he falls pregnant too. Together a woman and a man (you and your partner) get to grow into motherhood and fatherhood. Thankfully pregnancy gives you both 9 months to make that transition and learn skills for the birth and parenting. But what’s weird is that women are not focused on ‘the birth’ in the early months of pregnancy. In fact many women are only focused on how they feel and whether they ‘show’ or look fat. You get bombarded with her emotional and physical changes. Presently, you are expected to ‘take it’ and ‘support’ her during her pregnancy changes. Very little, almost no attention is paid to men during this period. How sad.

So let’s just put this into perspective. As a man, you are becoming a father throughout your pregnancy. ‘The Birth’ is the gateway through which both men and women must travel in order to become a father or mother ... parents. In reality you get a precious 16 weeks or less to learn the appropriate skills to ‘do the birth’. This goes for your wife/partner as well. There is a huge difference between ‘getting through’ a birth from knowing how-to work with a baby’s efforts to be born. In order to move from having birth happen to you to becoming a skilled father or mother-to-be, you must learn a set of very specific skills that will work in whatever birth you have that day even if it’s not the birth you plan or want.

As a man, you will feel more confident as a father of a newborn because you have actually known how-to help your wife/partner work through the process of letting a very big object out of her body. Whether you are having a natural birth or medical one (including a non-labouring cesarean) both of you can take time during pregnancy to prepare her body (a container) to let this big object (your baby) out. Then, together you can work with your baby’s efforts to be born. With skills you both can birth better even if you don’t have a better birth. When you work together as a couple during pregnancy and during ‘the birth’ then you will work together better in early parenting as partners. Without skills too many men actually are just ‘there’ during the birth and their wife/partner know he hasn’t helped as much as she needed. This leaves her disappointed and not trusting your ability to parent a newborn. Remember women have to also learn both how-to birth and parent. The difference is female physiology requires her to go through the process whether she likes it or not. You have a choice. Make the choice to become a skilled birthing partner. You are becoming a father.

-Wintergreen

Wintergreen is a Trustee to a New Zealand registered charitable Trust called Common Knowledge that produces The Pink Kit Method For Birthing Better®. She communicates on the societal benefits of growing a skilled birthing population for fathers-to-be and mothers-to-be. http://www.birthingbetter.com