The Dad Panics ... or what men do when they hear the words “I’m pregnant”

Football is a funny game ... there’s not much release of tension and it's hard to score. Which is very much like trying to get pregnant. So it's not surprising that when a man finally hears the words "I'm pregnant" things can get a bit odd. Bungy jumped? Doused yourself in jelly and electrocuted your nipples with a car battery? It's nothing compared to the energy released on hearing those words. Unused to such a physical, emotional, psychological rush, some men go native ...

Here's a random list of what to do / not to do after finding out you're going to be a dad (you be the judge):

1. Have sex with some random stranger ... and tell your partner
Could be some primitive instinct tells you to mate with as many people as possible right now while the going's good. Could be that she's been EXTREMELY sexually interested trying to have a baby but now she is pregnant you realise it wasn’t you she was so keen on after all. Knowing you're about to support her while she feels unattractive, vomits and gives birth before your eyes, you decide she needs to accept you at your worst too.

2. Quit your job and start your own business
When a woman chooses a man to mate with his ability to provide is a key factor. Change it now and she will feel cheated. It would be like her being a fun-loving, highly sexual, hard-drinking kick-ass woman who suddenly goes organic on you and wants to stay at home and watch tv all the time. Oh. Right. Fair enough then. Launch that internet fly fishing store.

3. Decide its time to sail the world solo in a raft made of beer cans you saved from Uni
You thought that you are a he-man of the universe but now realise you do in fact only own the He-Man DVD. You need to prove yourself before you give to others. Go for it. She won't really want you round until the baby comes anyway.

4. Obsessive Equipment Purchase (OEP)
Prams with running straps you’ll never use, cots that transform into three chairs, a bed and a piece of wood that wont fit in any of your cupboards, and a surround sound surveillence system that features 3d imaging of your baby’s dreams. Getting the best stuff creates the illusion you’re in control. If it makes you feel good – go for it! You can always recoup the cost on ebay.

5. Run
Maybe you’re afraid you’ll be a shit dad or your scared of growing up. Well here’s a thought: You don’t have to know at the start. Your child will teach you.

But not everyone is meant to be a parent ... true, that's what monasteries, armies and trainspotting societies are for. For everyone else there is family (as in having your own kids). The things is ... you're connected to your kids for the rest of your life. Whether you are there or elsewhere, you are responsible. You can't escape that. So you might as well stick around to get the benefits.

By Ryk Goddard