Dads and separation - how to remain positive about parenting after separation

After separation, a working relationship with your ex may feel like a bit of a stretch. But if you’re not careful it might be your children that end up suffering the most from disagreements with your ex partner.

So, what to do then? Avoid stuff like talking negatively about your ex partner when your children can hear you. Yes, it may be hard some times and may involve you having to swallow your pride, but remember you are doing this for your kids. Children need to feel happy and trust that their parents have “sorted themselves out” and have found ways to carry on with life. Children also want to know that both parents agree to the arrangements – whatever they may be. Either way children should not be made to feel guilty about spending time with one parent or the other. For example, at the end of a conversation instead of saying, “I miss you”, you can say “I love you”. Wording it this way can help your children not feel guilty about having to leave you to spend time with their mum.

It might sound stupid, but try not to question children about your ex or ask them to spy. Kids are not there to be your messengers or to keep tabs on your ex. It is really important to separate the relationship issues you may have with your ex from the responsibilities as a parent you have to your kids.

Arguing in front of your children is never a good idea. Find a time and place to discuss issues with your partner when your children are not around and you can fully focus on talking things through with your ex without having to worry about what your children may hear.

Similar rules and routines at both parent’s homes will also help. The same bedtimes and approach to discipline will help you get consistency which will help with your children’s behaviour and their need to feel safe and secure.

Be realistic about what you can achieve and how your responsibilities as a parent fit with the rest of your day. Make sure you make every effort to communicate any changes to your schedule as soon as possible to avoid making promises you cannot keep with your kids or your ex.

As much as possible, it’s also a good idea to keep each other in the loop with your children’s appointments and activities. Most people respond well to the principle of the “Golden Rule” (i.e. treat others as you’d like to be treated). So if you want to know what’s happening with your kids while they are with your ex, make sure you tell her what’s happening with your children when they are with you.

Key take aways:

1. Shield relationship issues you may have with your partner from your kids as much as possible – protect their need to feel loved by both parents.


2. Don’t argue in front of your kids - if you feel it’s important to say a few things that need to be said, arrange a suitable place where you don’t need to worry about what your children may hear.


3. Make an effort to keep your ex up to date with your schedule and your children’s activities. If you do this consistently you can expect your ex partner to do the same.

Important links and more information about separation:

• Parenting after separation - Skylight Trust


• Putting kids first - Families Commission


• General information on co-parenting


• Children's wellbeing after separation