How NZ Midwives See Fathers-to-be … You

Dear New Zealand DIYExpectant Father:

Pregnancy changes everything. Once a woman falls pregnant she comes under the care of a midwife and sometimes a specialist and draws attention from even strangers. The focus is SO on the woman and child that you very well might already feel a bit uncertain about your role. Fathers-to-be can particularly feel this female focus within the NZ Midwifery because the midwifery Partnership model is between midwives and women. What’s your place?

Who honors the fathers-to-be?

Unlike traditional communities, in modern cultures there is little honoring of fathers-to-be and this is incredibly sad. A man, becoming a father, goes through as many changes during pregnancy as does his partner … yet different.

During pregnancy you have to make a transition from being an adult man who is pregnant to being a father once your baby is born. This time of pregnancy is when you are becoming a father. With the focus on the pregnant woman, it’s hard to find guidance for your own growth. This leads to a lack of certainly in your role during the birth and sometimes as you father.

Presently within the midwifery Partnership model men are expected to be a ‘support’ or just ‘be there’. But what this exactly means is not clear.

Standing around is not an option

‘Being a support’ or ‘being there’ is rather passive and certainly not taking an equal yet different role as a father-to-be. You need to be able to use very specific and active skills in your role as a partner and father-to-be as you prepare for birth and as your partner does the activity of giving birth. These skills must be learned, practiced and then used.

Perhaps you don’t know that until the 1960s men did not come into the labour room nor were present at the birth. This let men off the hook … out of sight--out of mind. But women knew men did not appreciate how hard labour was and wanted their husband/partner to help them cope with the pain. Who is teaching you how to do that? And if a woman has trouble coping, why is that? If a woman needs skills then who is teaching her?

Childbirth classes focus on other things than skills:

New Zealand childbirth classes focus on giving you lots of information so you and your pregnant partner can formulate a Birth Plan. Knowing what to expect and knowing your choices is very important and NZ childbirth classes are excellent in delivering that service. However, NZ childbirth classes do not actually teach couples how to prepare the pregnant body to give birth nor how to work with your baby’s efforts to be born. The rationale for that is simple. The present trend in childbirth focuses on the natural physiological process that is so primal it’s mysterious. This is a trend belief and not accurate.

It’s true that there is no way to know what any birth will be like so you can’t actually ‘choose’ the one you want. But birth unfolds one day and without skills you won’t know how to work with your baby’s efforts to come down, through and out of your partner’s body nor how to help her cope with the natural occurring pain. Whether the NZ midwifery partnership model specifies your goal, your goal is to have skills to help both your partner and baby.

Choice doesn’t always eventuate so what do you do when your Birth choices change? Choice is like choosing what type of car you buy. Information will go out of your head during a painful contraction. Having ‘information is like knowing the specs on the car you chose. Neither the choice you make nor the information you have can take the place of the skills you have. If you don’t know how to drive your car many unpleasant can result.

You must create your own role

Your midwife believes birth is so natural women don’t need to know how to birth so they aren’t going to teach her or you. Birth is natural but it’s an activity and as a man you know any activity is best done with skills.

Your midwife is not going to be the primary birth coach she believes women should discover birth by being left alone. Do you want your partner to just get through the experience or do you want to help her cope with the natural occurring pain?

Like so many men you can merely rub your partner’s back, hold her hand, wipe her brow, give her drinks, stand around or be hung on. Instead you can learn how to prepare her body to let your baby out and then help her do so.

As a couple you must discuss this. If you go into the birth of your baby with skills and use them your midwife or specialist will complement you on a job well done. They see so few families with birth skills. Being skilled and working together in whatever birth you have will leave you with birth memories of feeling incredibly proud and full of confidence in yourselves as people, partners and parents.

Midwives and obstetricians actually do not know that pregnant women can prepare their body to let out a big object or consciously work with their baby’s process. This is just not their field of study.

Both midwives and obstetric specialists see 100% of women get through birth but they see few skilled families. There is absolutely no societal expectation in NZ for expectant families to have skills yet NZ is so #8 wire.

Consider these two memories:

• A woman who just ‘gets through’ birth and a man who feels helpless. Sadly this leaves too many women and men feeling bewildered and overwhelmed by what has just happened to them.
• A woman who consciously works her way through the activity of giving birth with a man helping her to do so. Happily this leaves really positive birth memories and frees both people to start parenting.

The partnership you have with your child and its mother far exceeds any professional partnership even with a much loved midwife. Take charge of your own experience and become competent and skilled. This is how you become a DIYFather.

For the essential pregnancy and birth skills for both expectant parents go to www.birthingbetter.com and get The Pink Kit Package. The author of this article is Wintergreen, a Trustee to the New Zealand registered charitable Trust called Common Knowledge that produces The Pink Kit Method For Birthing Better®.