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Walking in the Door
Submitted by community on Fri, 03/10/2008 - 7:32pm
“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.” -Henry David Thoreau As I came through the door after a challenging day of work, the tornado began. “Daddy’s home!” My kids wanted to share their day and their artwork, and my wife wanted to share how difficult her day had been. I wanted to lie down on the couch and be left alone. And this same scenario is happening all over the country with fathers (or mothers) and their families. Families are converging on each other at the end of the day with wildly different needs and moods. The result can be hurt feelings and distance between family members. Working parents often come home filled with stress and problems from the workplace. They’re in a “fix-it” mentality and they’re looking for some time to unwind before facing the brunt of their families. Your kids, however, don’t care much about your work stress. They want a father who notices them and who’s excited to see them. Every little thing you do is noticed by your children—your facial expression, the way you hang up your coat, and the way you greet them. The question underlying all of this:“Will daddy be here for me tonight?” As a former athlete, I remember the preparation before competing that would put me in the right “state” to play at the highest level. We would visualize the game unfolding before us and spend some quiet time increasing our ability to relax and stay focused. When the game began, we were ready to play, largely because we had tuned into our bodies and created that readiness. What kind of preparation do most of us put into our parenting role when we come home from work at night? Do we ready ourselves for being fully present to our kids and our spouse? Are we enthusiastic when we see them or are we consumed by our own issues? Here are five ideas for readying yourself for your family when you come home at night: 1. Develop a ritual It might be reading a prepared paragraph that you’ve written about being ready or having a moment of silence to help you go from work mode to home mode. Find something that reminds you of the daily discipline necessary to be your best when you come home to your family. 2. Find out what your family needs from you It’s hard to know how to make things work when you come home if you don’t know what people need from you. If you don’t know, ask them! The chances are good that they’ll want to share their day with you. While things will vary, it helps to have a sense of how much each person needs from you after you walk in the door. 3. Let your family know what you need If you need to have some time for yourself, let your family know what you need so they don’t feel left out. After your done taking your time, give them the welcome they deserve. 4. Use the ride home as a way to unwind Using the ride home to prepare for life at home allows you a defined amount of time to shift from work mode to home mode. Use some deep breathing-- with each breathe you become more relaxed and more focused on the needs at home. 5. Remember how easily we can shift away from the drama of work It’s easy to become overwhelmed by the emotions and thoughts that are produced from our jobs. But the truth is that we can shift our thoughts and feelings away from work quite readily if we practice it. Work can be overwhelming, our reactions to it don’t have to be. You bring home a message every night—“what’s truly important in my life?” Your kids will get this message loud and clear. Warmly, Mark Brandenburg Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC P.S. Sign up for a free newsletter. It is free, they will get a free copy of the popular article, "150 Things Dads can do for Their Kids", and it never hurts to become a better parent! |
My in-laws had a great
My in-laws had a great ritual when they arrived home from work. Every evening just before dinner they would shut the kids out of the living room for 15 minutes while they enjoyed a quiet beer together and reconnected with each other prior to having to deal with the hurly-burly of dinner with four kids.
Woe be to the kid who interrupted!
This may seem cruel on one level in that the kids were temporarily de-prioritised and physically shut out, but it meant that the foundation of the family - the relationship between husband and wife - was kept on an even keel.
Refreshed by a brief interval while they could relax, unwind, reconnect, dump, share with each other, and plan out joint strategy and tactics for the little crises that inevitably arrive on a daily basis in a family, they were in a much better space to focus on the kids - together.
Great topic, and very
Great topic, and very important indeed. These issues need to be openly discussed among the family members as you suggest. I fully agree with you, it is vital to separate your work induced stress from family time. Of course this can prove to be quite difficult as we all know.
Along the same lines: For me the table is turned the other way, I am a new stay at home dad to a four month babe. I really try and mentally prepare myself for when my wife gets home. I admit it is great to have her come in and take the boy off my hands. I often don’t feel like talking about the day as soon as she gets home, I need twenty minutes to unwind, I need time away from the baby. For the first two months we would get on each other’s nerves due to this. So I asked her if it would be okay to have some time to myself for a few, and it worked out great. Open communication is the key to situations such as mine!
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