Working Dad: Dads can do plenty to help their daughters with image issues

posted with permission

My daughter sat in her creaky, wooden high chair last week, blissfully happy in her chubby 2-year-old frame, and I worried.

I worried because in a few years this toddler will stand at the edge of the nation's body-image vortex, swirling with size 00 jeans, underfed celebrities glorified in gossip magazines, the latest "America's Next Top Model" and an unrelenting marketing drumbeat that skinnier is better.

How do I keep her from falling in?

My New Year's resolution is to help my daughter prepare for the mind-numbingly complex, sometimes fictitious image of the female body. Unfortunately, I am out of my element.

Today, involved dads are entering unfamiliar territory, such as body-image anxiety. They want to help, but don't always know how, says Harvard Medical University researcher Dr. Nancy Etcoff. When Etcoff gives a speech these days, dads ask a lot of the questions.

"They don't know what to say to their daughters, how to help them," said Etcoff, who also runs Massachusetts General Hospital's aesthetics and well-being program. "Right now there is a really troubled body image. It is really hard to feel confident."

It is also a scary time to raise a daughter. Girls as young as 7 are now treated for anorexia, more than 40 percent of girls in first, second and third grade wish they were thinner, and the number of reported cases of anorexia and bulimia is rising, according to the Seattle-based National Association of Eating Disorders.

As dads take on more at home, they can help their daughters to deal with these problems. For example, when she complains about her weight, don't dismiss her by saying, "Oh, don't be silly, you're beautiful," Etcoff urges.

Listen. Help her digest the messages she absorbs on YouTube, the E! channel, MTV and ever-growing media outlets.

I'm not generally an over-anxious parent, and my daughter is only 2. But I've known enough bulimics and body-haters to worry.

I also am not alone. More dads are asking Heather Blessington, a former model who writes about body image at the blog www.mamavision.com, for help.

"I think they are just sick of it," said Blessington.

They may be sick of it because the nation's body image is ailing.

When they look in a mirror more than 40 percent of girls and young women see flaws, 90 percent want to change something about their appearance and 77 percent would trade bodies with a celebrity, according to the 2006 report "Beyond Stereotypes: Rebuilding the Foundation of Beauty and Beliefs," sponsored by Unilever's Dove brand.

"I think we are in very bad shape in terms of overall opinions women have of their bodies," said Dr. Rose Calderon, clinical director of the eating disorders program at Seattle Children's Hospital and Regional Medical Center.

The insecurity is sad but not surprising. A decade ago, Hollywood trotted out Ally McBeal and her reed-thin arms. Then even-skinnier Lara Flynn Boyle arrived. Now, ABC's "Desperate Housewives" shows few traditional curves.

But, the entertainment world is only one layer of a body-image debate rich with blame and defensiveness, ranging from unrealistic fashions and designers, to Photoshopped faces in ad campaigns and checked-out parents.

The problem is inflamed by the 21st-century parent's latest worry: cyberbullying. Kids taunt with photos snapped with their cellular phones, sabotage MySpace and Facebook pages, and send text insults, making a girl's self-esteem even more vulnerable.

There were always bullies, but now they are more focused on your looks, according to Lynn Grefe, chief executive officer of the National Eating Disorders Association.

"From what I have heard from the teens I have worked with it is pretty vicious out there," Seattle Children's Calderon said.

But, there is a deepening crosscurrent. In the past two years, British superstar Kate Winslet bashed Hollywood's skinny culture, Jennifer Love Hewitt defended her curves and Dove began its Campaign for Real Beauty, complete with viral videos, self-esteem workshops and a 2006 Super Bowl ad.

"There is a countervoice. I think we are at a point where hopefully things are getting better," said Harvard's Etcoff, who worked on Dove's 2006 report.

And a parent's voice is still louder than the media.

Surveys "show parents' opinions are vastly more important to teens and young kids than what goes on on TV," Calderon said."Look at the media they are looking at. Listen to the songs and videos and lyrics, really understand what's coming in, and their world, and talk about" it, Etcoff said.

"If you are going to give a compliment, make it real and make it specific," Etcoff added.

A mother remains her daughter's leading role model, but a father makes critical impressions that help forge the type of man his daughter will date and marry, Calderon adds. Both mom and dad set examples when they talk about their own bodies, eat and watch movies and television.

Talk to your daughters about these skinny celebrities. Encourage their interests outside of fashion and image and boost their self-esteem by simply hanging out with them, experts suggest.

Like so many parenting problems, the family dinner is one of the best antidotes, Calderon said.

"You just like being with them, that is what you want to convey to them."

- Paul Nyhan