This time of year my 3 children all age a year, first off is my young teenage daughter she will be 14 next week and I have no idea what to buy her, I have no idea what she likes.
It’s tough enough for full time parents to think about gifts for their children, let alone a father like myself who doesn’t live with them!
I have just got off the phone with her, with a clear intention to find out what she would like. Easier said than done, getting any information out of this young teen is like getting blood from a stone.
Time to get creative and attempt the near impossible, ‘get into her world’, I think about what she may do everyday, school, home, friends, sleep… she doesn’t offer much of an opening, so I go through everything, what she wants, needs, craves, dreams about… absolutely nothing to work with.
You see my teen is not like what I had thought a typical teen girl would be like, one who would want to change her wardrobe every month, or want the latest mobile phone or something that glitters, mine just likes to read books in her casual clothes or hang out with her friends, don’t get me wrong I am not in the least complaining.
So I offered some more ideas:
Clothes? “No Dad I have lots”, come on what about weekend wear? “No I have plenty” we should go shopping? “…silence…” ok hot chocolate “yeah ok” (we may have to find a café near clothes shops)
Shoes? “No I have plenty I don’t need more shoes” (one day that may change, good for now)
Makeup? “Noooo…” (She is not into that right now)
Bag, hand bag? “Noooo…” (Same as above, but that too may change)
Knowing that I am not about to give up she gives in a 'Secret Book Light', I can’t help but smile I have a Bookworm for a teenage daughter and I love her to bits for it.
Knowing that I need options and there are other people struggling to get information out of her, I continue to prod and work on her reading interest
Book? “ummmm… yeah” ok which one? “ummm… anything” (that means a book with an exchange voucher).
After about 20 minutes of talking with her on the phone I had some ideas of what to buy her, so how did I do it?
Active Listening
I gave my teen daughter my undivided attention; I was able to guide her to make decisions and I commented on everything she said positively creating more openings, so that the end result was that she felt heard and understood and I accomplished my goal by leading her to offer me gift ideas that she would like.
Now all I have to do is find the gifts!
Are there any fathers with teenagers that have success stories to share?
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Hi Eric My daughter is now
Hi Eric
My daughter is now 20 but it feels like yesterday she was your daughter’s age. Now Emmy is an adult we converse at a level that has taken a lot of getting used to. She is remarkably wise sometimes, and we have grown closer as people. I asked Em on your behalf and her response was “The gifts I had around that time were being able to spend time with you, oh and money.” Yer money and time is the best gift”!. Spoil her and spoil her rotten with your time and focus. If you combine that with some cold hard notes, you’ll hit the mark. A weekend away for the two of you would be cool, with some shopping thrown in. You'll have to hover in the background though ;O) Your little princess, will be reaching out to the world to be perceived as an adult. It is an easier journey over the next five years or so, if she knows you are there and can smile, even when you are thinking. My god are not going out in that?!” Help her express who she is and whom she is becoming, by allowing her to choose her own gifts. Good luck.
Paul
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