An article that I came across of which rings true for me? IT was in the Sunday Times –South Africa, I guess what is important is Dads far and wide all seem to react the same when their little girl starts dating. The subject of asking if their boyfriend can stay over seems to be one that all fathers agree on – I think the term is “No” “I don’t think so” and a few other words that cant be repeated.

Please read I have another 17 years to go and counting – yay!

- Scott

Daddy's little girl

By Mike Wills

"Dad, this is my boyfriend." Some of the hardest words for a father to hear and a trigger for one of the biggest psychological gearshifts we will ever have to make.

No matter how many books we've read or theories we've spouted, I know of no father who doesn't break out in a cold sweat at the mere thought of any boy so much as laying a finger on his cherished little girl, let alone indulging in something more intimate.

My friend Pete said one of the toughest moments of his life was smiling in a friendly, welcoming manner when introduced to his gorgeous 17-year-old daughter's boyfriend, while his mind churned with horrific thoughts about exactly what this testosteronic teenager probably wanted to do with her given half a chance. Just as we resist the notion of our own parents having sex, so most of us struggle with the idea that our daughters might do the same thing.

We're caught in a gender trap here. A son's evolution to manhood is usually a source of pride, wonder and sage advice from us, but as our girls become women, we begin to battle demons that used to be kept at bay with strict rules and a dark silence. These days, we must confront our fears and our daughter's needs, and find a way that leads to emotional security for both of us.

It's often said that sex makes smart people do stupid things, and the same applies to fathers who, at the mere mention of the word "boyfriend", forget all the basic rules of sane parenting.

We hear "boy", not "friend", and are instantly suspicious. We make dramatic assumptions and demonstrate a complete and utter lack of trust. We stop listening and start talking, or we stop talking altogether and retreat into hostile silence.

We pronounce on absolute rules rather than negotiating an agreement. We make judgments on her choices. We talk too much morality and not enough reality. Or we do the reverse, abdicate our paternal responsibilities and values altogether, and abandon any notion of boundaries. All of which is entirely understandable, but monstrously counterproductive.

Finding the most effective route through this minefield is difficult. Canvassing a wide range of fathers and trawling the many chat rooms on parental advice websites produced an extraordinary variety of attitudes and approaches. None of the dads I spoke to had a problem with their teenage daughters developing relationships with boys (in fact, most welcomed it), but the crunch came with anything beyond the holding of hands and locking of lips. And this is expressed in tough decisions around curfew, parties, clubs, unaccompanied time and closed bedroom doors during visits.

The dads were all acutely aware and fearful of the fast-forwarding of sexuality and the peer and media pressure that led to this. They were caught between holding a line drawn in their time as teenagers and staying in touch with the social norms of this generation. None wanted to isolate or repress their daughters during what should be an exhilarating and explorative time, but they didn't want to put them at risk and did want them to develop lifelong values.

The litmus test question was: "Do you allow your daughter to sleep over at her boyfriend's place or let him sleep over at yours?" Vukile's answer summed it up: "No, never, flat and final! Not until she's married."

A parent on an American website echoed this in a more resonant way: "My daughter put enormous pressure on me to allow her boyfriend to stay over (his father allowed this or that). She also wanted to go into her room with him and close the door. For better or worse, I said no. I told her it was not a moral judgment on my part. It was simply that it was my house and it made me feel uncomfortable. I think it was my way of saying sex is not morally wrong, but it is a big deal."

At the other end of the spectrum, Tim said, "I would rather my teenage daughter was in a serious relationship supervised by parents than out somewhere unsupervised." Another contributor said he preferred "open, honest sexuality to furtive indulgence." John told me he had only two absolute rules for his daughter: "Your partner must wear a condom and never get into a car that's driven by a drunk person."

Somewhere in the middle was Pete, who said, "Sleepovers have happened, but only in separate bedrooms and after a clear stating of the rules." Terry agreed to his 16-year-old staying at her boyfriend's house because "it made logistical sense after a party and I had agreed on the appropriate arrangements with his parents." Both admitted that the decision was stressful and made reluctantly. Both also acknowledged that it was quite possible their girls were in full sexual relationships outside their supervision, but they didn't want to overtly condone such a thing.

Andre refused sleepovers and closed doors, saying, "They might not be listening to me and having sex somewhere else, but at least I had my say and they know where I stand." But he emphasised the importance of his daughter feeling that her boyfriend was welcome in the house. He wasn't judged, simply made to feel at home. Most fathers agreed that going behind closed doors was a no-no. They wanted their daughter to conduct her relationship in public spaces. When the issue of trust was thrown back at them by the outraged child, they usually retreated to the "my house, my rules" mantra.

The pressure from teenagers can be intense and lax parents will often be used as evidence against you, as will overt hypocrisy from your own teenage experience. Drawing a line may come at an emotional cost to your relationship. Words and phrases like "old-fashioned" and "so yesterday" will be thrown around.

A contributor to janisian.com/forum put it this way: "Whatever you do, don't abdicate your parental responsibility. You set the standards, not MTV or a gaggle of hormone-crazed adolescents." In fact, many fathers feel that their daughters actually want them to take a stand. They can then shift the blame onto dad and retain a degree of social credibility without caving in to peer pressure.

Often the external images of overt sexuality aren't matched by an equivalent emotional development. They might look brazen, but deep down they don't feel it.

Whatever decision you make, its effectiveness will depend on how you handle it. It must be explained clearly and honestly. There must be an element of negotiation and a common solution. Chris Turner on raisingkids.co.uk urges dads to "take your daughter out; talk, listen and demonstrate that you've listened; don't dismiss their views." He also describes this phase as a test of your entire relationship with your daughter.

Good communication is the product of years of good parenting, not a sudden development. Pete felt certain he was on the right track when his youngest daughter jubilantly phoned him to talk about her first kiss, which had happened moments before. It's about your daughter being able to make the right decisions on her own without your presence.

There has to be a degree of flexibility. What applies to a 15-year-old may need relaxation for a 17-year-old. And many dads spoke of "knowing the boyfriend". If it's a long-standing and respectful relationship that makes her happy, you've had plenty of experience with him, and there have been open conversations in the past, then different guidelines might be needed.

Focus on the goal and your role. We want our girls to emerge, as Marise McConaghy, deputy principal at Brisbane Girls Grammar School in Australia, puts it, "honourable, honest and independent, with the capacity to make good decisions and care for others".

There is no magic formula. Ultimately, we all have to find our own way to handle the emotions that erupt when a callow, unkempt, pierced youth with a lecherous look in his eye says, "Hi, I'm your daughter's boyfriend." - Saturday Argus

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