Let me start by saying I am not a father, I am a parent. I separated from the father of my 2 children approx. 4 years ago. It was a difficult decision to make as we had been together for many years, but I knew that our relationship was far from an ideal one to raise children in and was way beyond repair.

I encouraged him to see the children and spend time with them as I knew that they loved him very much. It was his choice to not do so for a long time due to the hatred he felt for me. I made the mistake of forcing him to see them, but this was a waste of time as they felt his disinterest and it hurt their feelings. He needed to WANT to see them. Once I realised this, I made sure that he knew once he got his life back together the door was open for him to see them.

I am now in a relationship with a man that separated from his wife for very similar reasons. At the time of separation, their son was just 3 years old.

When we started seeing each other, he was being shut out of his son’s life and was allowed a mere 2 hours per week with him, depending on whether she was in a good mood or not. He was cut up over this but did not really know how to approach the situation as the more he fought for extended time, the less he got. I explained to him that this is not the way it should be nor did it have to be. We discussed his options and sought legal advice immediately.

When he was with her, he was not encouraged to be a hands-on father and was told that his role was to provide financially for the home so their family did not suffer. Any attempts by him at being more hands-on were dictated to and required approval. Any parenting decisions were discussed but the final decisions were ultimately made by her. If he disagreed, he was over-ruled and told that she was the mother and she knew best. This mentality and attitude continued after the separation, and still remains.

It has been a long, hard road to getting more time with his little boy, but we went through it together. It has been financially draining as she was entitled to legal-aid and her lawyer made everything very difficult. We acquired a debt of over 10K to get access to his little boy but every cent has been worth it. We now have shared care of him, as awarded to us by the courts and we are finally able to be a family. The children get on very well and consider each other as siblings. They see no difference in being in a step-family. He sees my children as his and vice-versa. My children love him very much. They look to him as a parent and depend on him the way children can and should depend on a parent. I never pushed them. I just let them figure it all out on their own time. He loves being a dad and he is fantastic at it. He is both a hands-on parent and a provider. We both are.

My ex-partner has been making more of an effort to see the children, and we encourage this. The three of us often talk about our plans together as ‘parents’ so we can arrange things to suit us all …not just the parents, but the children too.

Life is still being made very difficult by my partner’s ex. She continually tries to break the bond between father and son by telling him stories about how terrible his father is and that he shouldn’t like him. We do what we can to try and put him at ease when he gets distressed by these stories without bad-mouthing her (as tempting as it is).

The reason I am writing this is to encourage men to take a more proactive approach in raising their children at all times. Parenting is a joint role. If you find yourself in a situation similar to my partner’s, don’t give up fighting for your right to be a part of your child’s life. Be a good, caring, loving, responsible parent and show your child you love them at every opportunity, no matter how small that opportunity may be. Every child should be given the chance to be loved and cared for by both parents.

People that ease the pain of separation by using their children to cause pain to the other parent disgust me. Children are people, not bargaining tools or weapons!

Going through a separation is very difficult, but try and see that in the future when time has healed the wounds you will need to look back on how you handled yourself and what you put your children through. Can you honestly hold your head high and say you put them first?

- Chel, Auckland

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