The impregnator's diary - part 6

Babies are a lot like wives. For starters, they’re always pissed off about something but they won’t tell you what the problem is. They also throw up when they’ve had too much to drink, and they often break wind with the sweetest of smiles on their face. So all in all, marriage has been great preparation for fatherhood, but it has also enhanced the whole parenting experience. It’s great to share the wonderful moments together – such as Henry’s first smile, which came after about 6 weeks – as well as distributing some of the hard work and late night feeding. This does, however, create a bit of competition about who has done the most. Nappy changing is a particularly competitive sport:

"I changed 5 of his nappies yesterday, you know."
"Well, I changed 6 and one of them had an enormous messy poo in it. It was a 3-wiper."
"That’s nothing – he caked his balls in poo yesterday and it took me 5 wipes to get them clean."

I think you get the point. And while we’re talking about bodily functions, I really must ask you a question – is it cruel of me to use my son’s own finger to pick his nose? I mean, my fingers are simply too big to get anywhere near his delightfully crusty bogies. And trying to poke a knitting needle up there just seems plain dangerous to me. Second question: is it wrong of me to really enjoy picking Henry’s nose? Maybe I’ve just crossed the line of taste and decency, I’m not sure.

Now let’s get to burping. This is another great example of parents encouraging behaviour that will, in a few short years, become a repulsive display of bad manners. But for now, whenever we wind little Henry after his milk we reward him with applause and congratulatory cheers when he finally lets rip a decent burp. How can I possibly tell him off in his teens for this kind of behaviour when I’ve brought him up to celebrate belching with such gusto?
So Henry’s first months have exposed me to his impressive range of liquid and solid emissions from a vast array of orifices. I never thought I’d be able to cope with all of the sights and smells involved with bringing up a baby, but it truly does make a difference when it is your own flesh and blood. Henry can drool all over me and it really doesn’t bother me at all. And he can vomit all down my shirt without even troubling me – after all, it’s Dawn who does all the washing.

The ‘dirty’ parts of raising Henry have become even more tolerable now that he is developing into his own little character. The smile he beams at me when I get home from work is enough to bring a tear to my eye, and when he giggles at my singing it truly melts my heart. Over time we have also come to understand Henry’s needs a whole lot more, which means that we can normally figure out exactly why he might be crying and quickly step in to fulfil his needs. Dawn and I have definitely changed as we have grown into our roles as parents. For starters, we call each other ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’ all the time which, while bizarre at first, seems quite natural now. I’ve just got to be careful not to call Dawn ‘Mummy’ when we’re out and about, just in case anyone thinks that I’m some perverted fetishist who likes to wear nappies at the weekend and drink milk from my Mummy’s boobies.

We also give a running commentary on whatever we’re doing in order to keep talking to Henry and get him used to our voices. This does cause the odd problem when I’m at work, however, when it can be difficult to switch back to adult mode. "I’m just going to take a dump now and I think it might be a big smelly stinker!" isn’t quite what my work colleagues want to hear from me on a Monday morning. And on that note, my impregnator’s diary draws to a close. I think I’ve documented the whole pregnancy and baby experience rather comprehensively over the last year, often sharing perhaps a little bit too much personal information. But if there is one message I can leave you with, it’s that fatherhood is amazing and boobs are pretty incredible too. Enjoy them both with equal measure.

-Craig Alan Williamson

Craig's first novel is now available as a free download from www.CraigAlanWilliamson.com